A few weeks ago, at a Chanukah family gathering, I was introduced
to a game. A family member introduced the game in an effort to enhance the
evening. The game objective was simple. Each male family member got a
questionnaire, asking about various acts of kindness towards their spouse. The
individual with the highest score was the winner. I don't know why the game was
gender based, but that's another story. I digress.
I glanced at the first question, and couldn't help but feel
annoyed, annoyed to the point that I couldn't bring myself to participate in
filling out the questionnaire. I was not annoyed at the person or concept of
the game, but the mindset.
Some tried persuading "oh its no big deal, its just a silly
game", but I shrugged them off, mumbling "I'm philosophically opposed
to this game" or something like that. I don't remember all the questions,
but I think the first question was about one giving a card. The question was
"how often do you give your spouse a card". After refusing to
participate, i was asked "are you opposed to one giving a card for their
spouse?"
Of course I'm not opposed to such a sweet act! Giving a card to
your spouse is always sweet; it carries the weight of an act, as well as the
power of words (depending on the message). Yet, I couldn't bring myself to
participate. Why? One thing is certain; I seemed to be off my rocker with my
bizarre stand, being the only one at the table who didn't participate. I ought
to explain myself, and I will.
First off, right off the bat, the questionnaire suggested
universality accepted "acts of kindness" in a marriage. Who is
deciding what constitutes doing something for a spouse? Its so personal and
individual, that trying to come up with general gestures is completely idiotic.
What if a women happens to find cards wasteful?
However, that's just a side point. My opposition was a lot deeper
than that.
In order to better understand, we need to back up a little, zoom out, and look at it from a human behavior prospective.
We first need to understand what drives and motivates humans to perform acts of kindness, any act of kindness. Conventional thinking suggests that there are two groups of people: There are those who lead selfish lives, not thinking of or caring about others. And then there are those who lead selfless lives, always thinking of and caring for others. But, close examination reveals something entirely different.
I've spent years looking at, and analyzing human behavior. It actually wasn't so much about understanding humans as a whole, as it was about helping me discover my own identity, and help me understand who I am. Nevertheless, in the process, I’ve discovered something very unappealing about humanity.
"The motivation behind EVERY human act, every selfless act that is, is 100% pure selfishness"
I never aired those thoughts publicly, and its not a statement I take very lightly. You go tell those feeding-the-needy caring-for-sick folks, that their actions are selfish, and you'll be chewed alive - which in its-self proves my point - for daring to suggest such idiotic non-sense. I mean, good riddance, those good people are all about helping others. We humans cannot afford to see the world in such a bleak way. We cannot afford to accept that the fundamental layer of all our actions is structured on selfishness. We need to be able to tell ourselves that the world is full of good selfless people as well; we need it for our own survival. We like to indulge into those heartwarming feelings about that part of the world being this wonderful place. We see it with people listening to heartwarming speeches about amazing acts, or one tearing up watching a good drama, or reading an emotional novel. Anyone trying to take that away will be fought off with tooth and nail. Its survival!
That was until I one day came across a jaw-dropping Choves Halevuves (duties of the heart) where he is making this precise claim. The author of the Choves Halevuves was not only a great spiritual leader, but also a brilliant philosopher. Now the Choves Halevuves is really on a completely different topic, but the concept is still the same. The Choves Halevuves is writing it in the preface to Shar Avodad E'lukim (Chapter: Serving Hasham), while building a logical case on the need to show gratitude towards Hasham.
For our purposes, we don't need to see the full text, but feel free to click here for the full text in English translation, or here for the original Hebrew translation. Though, to better understand, I highly suggest reading it. It's a good read.
In a nutshell though, he places all acts of kindness into 5 categories. He then goes on to explain in details why each act is pure selfish.
Here is the actual text of the 5 different classes:
When we consider the benefits human beings render each other, we find that these fall into five classes:Review the above five categories, and, lo and behold, he isn't even mentioning husband and wife. Now that's shocking! Is it possible that, the relationship between husband and wife is so conditional and so agenda and selfish driven, that the selfish motivations are pretty much self-explanatory? And is it true even nowadays?
(1) a father's beneficence to his child;
(2) a master's to his servant;
(3) a wealthy man's beneficence to the poor for the sake of heavenly reward;
(4) the beneficence rendered by human beings to each other in order to gain a good name, honour and temporal reward;
(5) the powerful man's beneficence to the weak, induced by pity for the latter and sympathy with his condition.
You damn right it is, but we hide from it. We cannot afford to see it that way. Sorry, i'm about to burst that bubble.
Marriage is hugely complex. Gosh, there are so many convoluted variables, so many components, so many aspects, and so many factors. However, allow me to give you a striped down simple version describing the chain of events in a usual marriage.
1) We first have the initial phase, which, in most cases, is largely based on physical characteristics (particularly true with the males), or intellect.
(A side note, since im on this topic. The two don't need to have "things in common", on the contrary, it’s the opposites that helps one grow, evolve, mature, and become a better person. But the two need to have a common goal in life, for example, religion.
2) We then have the initial year (or two at most), in which we have nothing but two OCD patients, zombies.
3) Finally, once the above wears off, we have two ordinary folks trying to establish love feelings for one another.
Well, what's love anyways? Love is built by giving of your-self to someone else. That someone can be anyone. The more you give of yourself to that someone, the more you will love the recipient end. As long as one continues to give, those feeling will continue to grow. That someone could be a person in need, even a complete stranger. It could be a friend. And of course, it could be a spouse.
But, here's the catch. Why is one giving in the first place? No one is going to be giving anything to anyone, unless they have a selfish reason to do so. In the case of the needy (poor/sick etc), maybe the giver feels awful and sad about that persons unfortunate situation, and thus looking for ways to rid themselves of those sad feelings, or perhaps rid themselves of guilt. Maybe they are looking for a sense of purpose, or maybe they are looking to score points with Gd. Whatever the reason, whatever it is that drives them, it is 100% pure selfishness. Regardless though, selfish or not, if one gives, bonding occurs, the giver will grow feelings towards that person.
Same of course is true in a marriage. The more a spouse gives, the stronger the feelings. Likewise, it is also true that no spouse is going to give in the first place, unless there's a (selfish) reason.
And here is where marriage branches off from other act of kindness. The list of reasons in a marriage is very unique and completely different than those act of kindness one does towards strangers or friends.
I've summarized the marriage reasons into 6 categories:
(The examples are for illustration purposes only. I'm not emphasizing one over the other.)
1) Physical attraction (a dynamic, non-de-facto, relative value).
2) Intellectual attraction (this too is a dynamic, non-de-facto, relative value).
3) Skill (e.g. Organized, good listener, good communicator, articulate etc.).
4) Talent (e.g. Singer, writer, musician, artist, cook etc.).
5) Nature (e.g. optimistic, positive, laid-back/easy going, etc).
6) Profession.
7) There’s also religion, but that's a another story which I won't go into.
Different people gravitate towards different things, and so the reason varies. Nevertheless, everyone has a selfish reason.
It’s crucial to distinguish between the two types of acts of kindness. We have the ones in a marriage, and then we have those in everyday life (outside a marriage). All too often, if not all the time, the two are confused.
Let’s work with the “buying a card” example. But before, i need to point out something critically important. The "card" is NOT the point of focus, its just a silly example, which can then be applied towards marriage as a whole. its important to focus on the big picture
Consider the following scenario: X is married to Y (the gender isn’t relevant). The marriage does not satisfy X's needs. Y on the other hand does not find a selfish reason to gravitate towards his/her spouse. X goes out to seek advice from a professional (marriage counselor/psychotherapist). The professional reaches out to Y, and a session is arranged. At the session, the therapist asks Y: “Well, when was the last time you got your spouse a card?" The blank look on Y's face pretty much reveals everything, and the therapist dives into a whole lecture about the importance of getting/giving in a marriage.
In my humble opinion, therein lies the problem (at least part of it) of why marriages are falling apart. The card isn’t the cause for a happy marriage, but the effect of a happy marriage. The card is a mere reflux of an existing selfish feeling. In addition, the reason the card is so adored (from a giving prospective), is because we use conventional thinking, and with that, we fail to recognize the difference between the different types of acts of kindness. Logic suggests that giving of your-self creates and builds love; hence the therapist's lecture about the need to give those cards, and believing the more the spouse will get into the habit of performing acts of kindness, the more feelings will build. Unfortunately, in a marriage, the logic is false. When a person cares for the sick, or gives a large sum of their own hard earned money for the needy, it’s the act in itself. They will mentally pat themselves on their back. Their brains reward-system network will light up like a looped network switch without STP. They replay in their mind the praises offered by this poor needy recipient (or even creatively come up with their own praises they imagine the poor/needy must have said). They get a good dose of good-feel in their blood stream, and they are pretty much good to go. In a marriage it will not work. In a marriage, our subconscious mind will refuse to activate the reward-system network, unless the selfish reason is already in place. We can try to tell our conscious mind all we want about that act of kindness (i.e. i’m buying a card), and hope to get the ball rolling, but it will not work. Our brain is hard wired to respond in certain ways, there’s no way to alter it.
Not only did the therapist not help, they actually made it worse. The spouse who’s under-performing, feels like a miserable failure, guilty of not carrying out his/her duties, duties that apparently most folks carry out. Y feels - based on what s/he is being told - that the core reason the marriage isn’t happening, is pretty much due to his/her poor performance. If only Y did more, if only Y would get a card every once in a while, things would improve. Problem is, that's hardly the issue in the first place.
The issue is twofold:
1) We fail, or refuse, to acknowledge the fact that all act of kindness, are driven my selfishness.
2) We fail to recognize the difference between acts of kindness in a marriage and act of kindness is everyday life.
You see, telling and encouraging this spouse to get into the habit of giving, is literally like marching into a business owners office, and demand payment for work that was never performed. Like I mentioned, the givers subconscious mind will reject the act of kindness because were asking it to release a bit of that reward-feeling for NO reason. What the marriage counselor ought to be focused on is making sure there is a reason, a selfish reasons for the spouse to want to engage in these acts of kindness. Once there a reason, the rest will automatically fall into place (perhaps with a little adjustment given the different love languages). The therapist is NEVER addressing the real issue!
But that's only half of the misguided actions this therapist achieved. The pain of the one not having any reasons is far greater than those who are not treated with affectionate acts of kindness. Yes I know rejection is incredibly hurtful, but having your entire existence invalidated is worse. The spouse that doesn't have a reason, will never be understood (because we refuse and reject to acknowledge this), and their hardship/inner pain will never be accepted. On the other hand, the spouse lacking acts of kindnesses, is always made into the victim, and thus is validated.
So back to this game I refused to be part of. Buying a card is at best nothing but a pure selfish act of kindness. In fact, i would actually go as far as saying it isn't even an act of kindness, its an involuntary reflux, no different than one responding to an itch in their sleep. In fact, even If there is someone that's in the habit of buying cards for their spouse (and thus deserving recognition as the game suggested), pull away the reason, and the whole wonderful card-buying adventure will fold like a deck of cards.
In conclusion: it's precisely games like these, the mindset that is, that's directly responsible, directly contributing, for a significant number of marriages falling apart. Just look up the latest divorce statistics. The ignorance of the questionnaire angered me to no end!
No one is going to perform any act of kindness for their spouse, unless they have a selfish reason to do so. Its not an opinion, its a fact, its the law of nature!
To rephrase JFK: My fellow humans, ask not what your spouse can or needs to do for you, ask what reasons you can give or are giving your spouse.
Comments and disagreements, especially disagreements, are welcome, As long as its within the arena of logic.
Well, what's love anyways? Love is built by giving of your-self to someone else. That someone can be anyone. The more you give of yourself to that someone, the more you will love the recipient end. As long as one continues to give, those feeling will continue to grow. That someone could be a person in need, even a complete stranger. It could be a friend. And of course, it could be a spouse.
But, here's the catch. Why is one giving in the first place? No one is going to be giving anything to anyone, unless they have a selfish reason to do so. In the case of the needy (poor/sick etc), maybe the giver feels awful and sad about that persons unfortunate situation, and thus looking for ways to rid themselves of those sad feelings, or perhaps rid themselves of guilt. Maybe they are looking for a sense of purpose, or maybe they are looking to score points with Gd. Whatever the reason, whatever it is that drives them, it is 100% pure selfishness. Regardless though, selfish or not, if one gives, bonding occurs, the giver will grow feelings towards that person.
Same of course is true in a marriage. The more a spouse gives, the stronger the feelings. Likewise, it is also true that no spouse is going to give in the first place, unless there's a (selfish) reason.
And here is where marriage branches off from other act of kindness. The list of reasons in a marriage is very unique and completely different than those act of kindness one does towards strangers or friends.
I've summarized the marriage reasons into 6 categories:
(The examples are for illustration purposes only. I'm not emphasizing one over the other.)
1) Physical attraction (a dynamic, non-de-facto, relative value).
2) Intellectual attraction (this too is a dynamic, non-de-facto, relative value).
3) Skill (e.g. Organized, good listener, good communicator, articulate etc.).
4) Talent (e.g. Singer, writer, musician, artist, cook etc.).
5) Nature (e.g. optimistic, positive, laid-back/easy going, etc).
6) Profession.
7) There’s also religion, but that's a another story which I won't go into.
Different people gravitate towards different things, and so the reason varies. Nevertheless, everyone has a selfish reason.
It’s crucial to distinguish between the two types of acts of kindness. We have the ones in a marriage, and then we have those in everyday life (outside a marriage). All too often, if not all the time, the two are confused.
Let’s work with the “buying a card” example. But before, i need to point out something critically important. The "card" is NOT the point of focus, its just a silly example, which can then be applied towards marriage as a whole. its important to focus on the big picture
Consider the following scenario: X is married to Y (the gender isn’t relevant). The marriage does not satisfy X's needs. Y on the other hand does not find a selfish reason to gravitate towards his/her spouse. X goes out to seek advice from a professional (marriage counselor/psychotherapist). The professional reaches out to Y, and a session is arranged. At the session, the therapist asks Y: “Well, when was the last time you got your spouse a card?" The blank look on Y's face pretty much reveals everything, and the therapist dives into a whole lecture about the importance of getting/giving in a marriage.
In my humble opinion, therein lies the problem (at least part of it) of why marriages are falling apart. The card isn’t the cause for a happy marriage, but the effect of a happy marriage. The card is a mere reflux of an existing selfish feeling. In addition, the reason the card is so adored (from a giving prospective), is because we use conventional thinking, and with that, we fail to recognize the difference between the different types of acts of kindness. Logic suggests that giving of your-self creates and builds love; hence the therapist's lecture about the need to give those cards, and believing the more the spouse will get into the habit of performing acts of kindness, the more feelings will build. Unfortunately, in a marriage, the logic is false. When a person cares for the sick, or gives a large sum of their own hard earned money for the needy, it’s the act in itself. They will mentally pat themselves on their back. Their brains reward-system network will light up like a looped network switch without STP. They replay in their mind the praises offered by this poor needy recipient (or even creatively come up with their own praises they imagine the poor/needy must have said). They get a good dose of good-feel in their blood stream, and they are pretty much good to go. In a marriage it will not work. In a marriage, our subconscious mind will refuse to activate the reward-system network, unless the selfish reason is already in place. We can try to tell our conscious mind all we want about that act of kindness (i.e. i’m buying a card), and hope to get the ball rolling, but it will not work. Our brain is hard wired to respond in certain ways, there’s no way to alter it.
Not only did the therapist not help, they actually made it worse. The spouse who’s under-performing, feels like a miserable failure, guilty of not carrying out his/her duties, duties that apparently most folks carry out. Y feels - based on what s/he is being told - that the core reason the marriage isn’t happening, is pretty much due to his/her poor performance. If only Y did more, if only Y would get a card every once in a while, things would improve. Problem is, that's hardly the issue in the first place.
The issue is twofold:
1) We fail, or refuse, to acknowledge the fact that all act of kindness, are driven my selfishness.
2) We fail to recognize the difference between acts of kindness in a marriage and act of kindness is everyday life.
You see, telling and encouraging this spouse to get into the habit of giving, is literally like marching into a business owners office, and demand payment for work that was never performed. Like I mentioned, the givers subconscious mind will reject the act of kindness because were asking it to release a bit of that reward-feeling for NO reason. What the marriage counselor ought to be focused on is making sure there is a reason, a selfish reasons for the spouse to want to engage in these acts of kindness. Once there a reason, the rest will automatically fall into place (perhaps with a little adjustment given the different love languages). The therapist is NEVER addressing the real issue!
But that's only half of the misguided actions this therapist achieved. The pain of the one not having any reasons is far greater than those who are not treated with affectionate acts of kindness. Yes I know rejection is incredibly hurtful, but having your entire existence invalidated is worse. The spouse that doesn't have a reason, will never be understood (because we refuse and reject to acknowledge this), and their hardship/inner pain will never be accepted. On the other hand, the spouse lacking acts of kindnesses, is always made into the victim, and thus is validated.
So back to this game I refused to be part of. Buying a card is at best nothing but a pure selfish act of kindness. In fact, i would actually go as far as saying it isn't even an act of kindness, its an involuntary reflux, no different than one responding to an itch in their sleep. In fact, even If there is someone that's in the habit of buying cards for their spouse (and thus deserving recognition as the game suggested), pull away the reason, and the whole wonderful card-buying adventure will fold like a deck of cards.
In conclusion: it's precisely games like these, the mindset that is, that's directly responsible, directly contributing, for a significant number of marriages falling apart. Just look up the latest divorce statistics. The ignorance of the questionnaire angered me to no end!
No one is going to perform any act of kindness for their spouse, unless they have a selfish reason to do so. Its not an opinion, its a fact, its the law of nature!
Now pause for moment and ask yourself: "why am i giving
for my spouse", and more importantly, ask yourself: "does my spouse
have a reason". Please don't think that your acts of kindness is a
reason, it is not. You do those because YOU have a selfish reason; it is not a
reason for your spouse. Yes, its important to keep things in prospective, at
least to me. I believe this is a key component to be recognized in a marriage,
but is largely ignored. In fact, most folks reading this, will completely
dismiss this under the notion "yes i love my spouse, and want to buy the
card just to make them happy", and not realize the pure selfish motive
behind it. If the selfish motive disappears, hell breaks loose. Keeping things
in prospective can save many marriages and diminish a lot of unnecessary pain.
To rephrase JFK: My fellow humans, ask not what your spouse can or needs to do for you, ask what reasons you can give or are giving your spouse.
Comments and disagreements, especially disagreements, are welcome, As long as its within the arena of logic.
